December 9 is Cremation Day

cremation dayCremation Day

On December 9, 1792, the first open air cremation on record in the United States took place in Charleston, South Carolina. The decedent was Colonel Henry Laurens, former president of the Continental Congress, who had once co-owned the largest slave trading company in North America.

Laurens, who suffered from a fear of being buried alive, stipulated in his will that his body be burned on the grounds of his plantation. (One wonders why it never occurred to him to be afraid of being burned alive.) His ashes were then placed in an urn and buried in the family cemetery.

The plantation is now a Trappist monastery, exposed by PETA in 2007 for starving chickens for weeks to increase egg production. Now the monks raise mushrooms instead.

Humble Beginnings

Cremation dates back to ancient Greece and Rome where urns called amphorae were used to store the ashes of the cremated. The Greeks buried them under mounds of earth and stone. Romans built columbaria, vaults containing niches to hold the urns.

Vikings burned the dead atop funeral pyres. They did not place the deceased in boats and set them ablaze. An untended fire over water could not reach or maintain a temperature high enough to incinerate a body, leaving charred remains to be picked apart by birds or washed ashore.

cremation day

Also, boats were much too valuable to burn every time someone died. They would have spent all their time shipbuilding. Ship captains were sometimes buried with a small ceremonial ship. One of these boats dating back to the 9th century was unearthed in Norway in 1904. It contained sacrificial women and livestock but no burnt timber. Sorry, Hollywood.

The first cremation chamber, called a retort, was constructed by Professor Ludovico Brunetti and introduced at the Vienna Medical Exhibition of 1873. He displayed the furnace with four pounds of cremated human remains and a sign that read: “Vermibus erepti–Puro consumimur igni” (Saved from the worms–Consumed by the purifying flame).”

Dr. Francis J. LeMoyne constructed America’s first modern crematory in 1876 on property he owned in Washington, Pennsylvania, after the local cemetery refused to host it. Housed in a simple brick building, it remains in remarkable condition 139 years later. (Tours are available the second Saturday of May through September from 2 to 4 pm.)

cremation day

As luck would have it, the New York Cremation Society had just come into possession of its first dead body, Baron Joseph Henry Louis Charles De Palm, a German aristocrat who had apparently died without a penny to his name(s).

The society contacted LeMoyne and requested the use of his facility, seeing it as an opportunity to showcase the superiority of cremation. On December 6, 1876, surrounded by a throng of reporters, scientists and physicians, the baron’s body was produced.

Unfortunately, DePalm had been dead for six months, poorly preserved with potter’s clay and phenol. The gruesome sight of the withered, shrunken corpse did not further the cause. Though the procedure went well, the herbs and pine branches could not alleviate the stench. Newspaper accounts were less than glowing.

It’s said that Dr. LeMoyne built the crematory due to his own fear of being buried alive. (Honestly, does anyone look forward to that possibility?) He died in 1879 and, in accordance with his wishes, was cremated on the premises.

Happy Endings

Cremation’s acceptance grew slowly. Between 1876 and 1901, 25 new crematories were built around the U.S. There were 52 by the time of the Cremation Association of America’s founding in 1913. More than 10,000 cremations took place that year.

Bronze urns became fashionable in the 1920s, some so heavy the floors underneath had to be reinforced. Various styles were favored across the country. Round ones were preferred in the Northeast while rectangular and book shapes sold well on the West Coast. In the Midwest, book, box and vase models were popular, according to Jason Engler, Senior Cremation Advisor to the National Museum of Funeral History, which can be rented for parties and has a lovely gift shop with great items like this “Any Day Above Ground is a Good One®” beer koozie.

Cremation Day

In the 1980s, bronze prices soared and urns made of aluminum, cloisonné and other lower-cost materials made post-cremation receptacles affordable to the masses. Times have changed since then: Of the 1.4 million people cremated in the U.S. in 2014, over 300,000 chose to be scattered rather than stored.

If only they’d known about LifeGem, a company that turns ashes into a cocktail ring. Just seal no more than eight ounces of your loved one in a plastic container and ship.  (Add a lock of your hair to create a “unity LifeGem heirloom diamond.” Why should the dead have all the fun?)

The carbon is extracted and superheated, which “converts your loved one’s carbon to graphite with unique characteristics and elements that will create your one-of-a-kind LifeGem diamond.” What kind of graphite? Like a pencil? A fishing rod? Fuselage? A neutron moderator in a nuclear reactor?

cremation day

Specialists transfer the graphite to a machine that will heat and compress it for several weeks. At this point, any resemblance to your loved one is purely ceremonial, DNA long gone, so it’s faceted and etched with your choice of messages to guarantee its uniqueness.

A half-carat colorless LifeGem costs $7,899. Volume discounts are available. Now everyone can have a piece of Grandpa. Just make sure you take him off when you wash the dishes.

Happy Cremation Day!

 

More death-related holidays:
Sylvia Plath Day
Create a Great Funeral Day
Plan Your Epitaph Day
Whatever Happened to Visit a Cemetery Day?

Copyright 2016 Worldwide Weird Holidays

Tio de Nadal

Some homes hang stockings from the mantelpiece. Families in Catalonia, Spain, celebrate the run-up to Christmas by placing a Tió de Nadal in front of the fireplace. Although Tió de Nadal translates most wholesomely to “Christmas log,” it is better known by the name Caja Tió, which we’re going to refer to as “Poop Log” in order to avoid offending any delicate sensibilities. Feel free to fill in the appropriate four-letter word as needed.

Tio de Nadal

Originally a simple rough-hewn piece of wood, the tió’s appearance has been upgraded in recent years. Modern iterations stand on two or even four stick legs, have a smiling face painted on the upper end and often sport a red hat.

Beginning on December 8th to coincide with the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, children must “feed” the tió bits of fruits, nuts and water, draping it in a blanket to keep it warm, in the hope that their care will awaken its spirit of generosity so it will poop out many gifts on Christmas Day.

The children’s kindness ends there. They must go into another room to pray for the poop log to deliver lots of goodies while the adults surreptitiously place gifts under the blanket. (We’re assuming the log doesn’t have magical powers.) Then the children reenter and beat on the log with sticks to make it defecate while they sing various versions of the Caga Tió song.

“Caga tió, caga torró,
avellanes i mató,
si no cagues bé
et daré un cop de bastó.
caga tió!”

S***, log, s*** nougats,
hazelnuts and mató cheese,
if you don’t s*** well,
I’ll hit you with a stick,
s*** log!

After each verse, a child reaches under the blanket and takes a gift. After opening it, the song begins again. The tió gives candies, nuts and dried fruits; larger items are believed to be delivered but the Three Wise Men. (Duh!) The log drops a herring, head of garlic or onion to indicate there is no more poop to be had. (That part may be magic. We’re not sure of logistics involved.) At that point, the beatings cease and the tió is thrown into the fire and burned.

You can’t make this s*** up.

Copyright 2016 Worldwide Weird Holidays

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December 8 is Take It in the Ear Day

What the heck is Take It in the Ear Day?

We don’t know who came up with Take It in the Ear Day, why they did or what it means. We can’t find any reference to its origin; it’s kept alive by holiday sites. (Full disclosure: we are now contributing to that.)take it in the ear day

“Taking it in the ear” sounds, at best, uncomfortable and very possibly unsanitary. At worst, if it’s missing an “r,” as some say, it’s illegal in Florida, Alabama, Michigan, Idaho, Kansas, Mississippi, Louisiana, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Texas, and Utah. (Those states refuse to follow the 2003 U.S. Supreme Court ruling that such laws are unconstitutional.)

How can I celebrate Take It in the Ear Day?

Here are a few fun ear-centric activities to try:

At a gathering, intone, “Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears.” The force of their tepid laughter will indicate the depth of their fondness for you. Someone who is embarrassed for you is most assuredly your friend.

Whisper sweet nothings into your true love’s ear. It should go without saying that this person, while not necessarily loving you back, at the very least knows you and will not be alarmed by your approach. (Otherwise, pepper spray and restraining orders may ensue. Also, lay off the garlic.)

Call a friend and listen. (Say hello first, of course, or it could get confusing.) Sometimes all someone needs is a sympathetic ear. You can also gift that honor to others by talking their ears off. They may never appreciate your sacrifice so we’ll say it: Well done.

Pierce your ear(s). Know when to say when, though. If you go to the beach and a metal detector dragging an old guy attaches itself to your head, you may need to cut back on your ear gear. (A note about ear gauges: nobody likes floppy earlobes except Buddha and plastic surgeons.)

Make a pair of Spock ears in your microwave. Instructions here.

Our Favorite Ear Quotes

The ear is the avenue to the heart.
Voltaire

Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice.
William Shakespeare

I ain’t the same person I was when I bit that guy’s ear off.
Mike Tyson

Just do it!

While we aren’t sure what “it” is, we do know that today should be fun. Remember this old adage: Never stick anything smaller than your elbow in your ear. If you can do that, you either have a tiny elbow or a huge elephantine ear–or both–and you deserve a holiday of your own. (Call us!)

Copyright 2016 Worldwide Weird Holidays

December 7 is National Cotton Candy Day

Today is National Cotton Candy Day. The confection dates back to the 1400s, when it was called “spun sugar.” Producing it by hand was a costly and laborious task, making it unavailable to the general public. Four men—two of them dentists—helped usher in the modern process that would make it a summertime favorite at carnivals, fairs and the circus.  So why isn’t National Cotton Candy Day celebrated in July or August? We have no idea.

Here’s what we do know. cotton candy dayDentist William Morrison and confectioner John C. Wharton invented the first electric spinning machine in 1897 and were granted a patent two years later.

They introduced “fairy floss” at the 1904 World’s Fair in St. Louis, Missouri. Curious visitors bought more than 68,000 boxes at 25 cents apiece, spending a total of over $17,000.

In 1900, Thomas Patton patented a gas-fired rotating plate that allowed him to form threads of caramelizing sugar on a fork. It debuted at the Ringling Bros. Circus and was an instant hit with children, if not their mothers, who had to clean up the sticky mess left behind on hands, hair and clothes.

Although he never received a patent, dentist Josef Delarose Lascaux built his own machine and sold it to patients at his Louisiana office, where he could cater to sweet tooths and the inevitable cavities that followed. He is widely credited with changing the name to “cotton candy” in 1921.

cotton-candy dayIn 1949, Gold Medal Products launched a version with a spring base. It improved upon its predecessors by being more reliable, less likely to break down or overheat. Variations of this device are used to this day.

The next time you buy cotton candy, which starts out three times the size of your head but condenses seemingly instantaneously to a gritty coating on the roof of your mouth and a pastel crust in your hair, you can thank these four men for making us crave this diabolically delicious treat.

Copyright 2016 Worldwide Weird Holidays