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Tio de Nadal

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Some homes hang stockings from the mantelpiece. Families in Catalonia, Spain, celebrate the run-up to Christmas by placing a Tió de Nadal in front of the fireplace. Although Tió de Nadal translates most wholesomely as “Christmas log,” it is better known as Caga Tió, which we’ll refer to as “Poop Log” to avoid offending anyone’s delicate sensibilities. Feel free to fill in the appropriate four-letter word as needed.

Tio de Nadal

Originally a simple, rough-hewn piece of wood, the tió’s appearance has been upgraded in recent years. Modern iterations stand on two or even four stick legs, have a smiling face painted on the upper end, and often sport a red hat.

Beginning on December 8th, to coincide with the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, children must “feed” the tió bits of fruits, nuts, and water, draping it in a blanket to keep it warm, in the hope that their care will awaken its spirit of generosity so it will poop out many gifts on Christmas Day.

The children’s kindness ends there. They must go into another room to pray for the poop log to deliver lots of goodies while the adults surreptitiously place gifts under the blanket. (We’re assuming the log doesn’t have magical powers.) Then the children reenter and beat on the log with sticks to make it defecate while they sing various versions of the Caga Tió song, loosely translated below.

“Caga tió, caga torró,
avellanes i mató,
si no cagues bé
et daré un cop de bastó.
caga tió!”

S***, log, s*** nougats,
hazelnuts and mató cheese,
if you don’t s*** well,
I’ll hit you with a stick,
s*** log!

After each verse, a child reaches under the blanket and takes a gift. After opening it, the song begins again. The tió gives candies, nuts, and dried fruits; larger items are believed to be delivered by the Three Wise Men. (Duh!)

The log drops a herring, head of garlic, or onion to indicate there is no more poop to be had. (That part may be magic. We’re not sure of the logistics involved.) At that point, the beatings cease, and the tió is thrown into the fire and burned.

 

You can’t make this s*** up.

 

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Santa’s List Day

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Santa's List DayToday is Santa’s List Day. According to legend, it’s the day when Kris Kringle finalizes his list, double-checks it for accuracy, and puts the elves to work manufacturing gifts for children who’ve toed the line of acceptable behavior within their age groups.

Times have changed at the North Pole. Nowadays, many parents and mental health specialists view “naughtiness” as a label that is damaging to a child’s self-esteem. As a result, elves must crank out even more toys as lumps of coal gather dust in a nearby warehouse. (Santa’s workshop runs on solar power.)

Even the most well-behaved child might take the news that Santa has locked in his list as a sign that anything goes for the next three weeks. It’s a risky move; although Santa has refused to grant journalists access, it’s quite possible that he employs tech-savvy elves who scan social media and halt the assembly line in cases of egregious misconduct.

There’s no way to know if workers are capable of making the latest Xbox. Unlike most sweatshop labor forces, elves have 11 months of the year to learn to make new things. Hopefully, they get a little time to relax and sip a mai tai at a resort that caters to diminutive people. (Keebler Beach, perhaps?)

If the workshop sources more complex items from Amazon, as everyone else does, the turnaround time is shortened and, theoretically, bad behavior can be punished on short notice. In the age of Amazon Prime’s free shipping service, will Santa shut down operations and put the reindeer out to pasture?

With Arctic ice melting at an alarming rate, it won’t be long before elves implement a Kickstarter campaign to buy a houseboat for Santa. Just for today, kids can show their appreciation for Santa’s dedication by being good to the extent required of them. Those expecting a big item like a computer or a drone should consider holding off on melting Barbies or setting the family hamster on fire until December 26th.

Happy Santa’s List Day!

#buyahouseboatforSanta

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National Cat Day (and International Internet Day)

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Today is International Internet National Cat Day

National Cat Day Hell Yeah Kyrie because I said so!

Hell, yeah, it’s National Cat Day! Sure, it’s International Internet Day, too. On October 29, 1969, a few months after Neil Armstrong landed on the moon, the first message was sent across the Internet. The system crashed after the first two letters of the word “login” were shared, but that was enough to make history and change the world forever.

Approximately 40% of the world’s population has an Internet connection today, up from less than 0.5% in 1993, the year the Web browser Mosaic was introduced. Its development was funded through a U.S. government initiative championed by Al Gore. Yes, that Al Gore and no, he never said he invented the Internet.

In December 1999, there were 16 million Internet users. By the end of 2005, that number had topped 1 billion. In March 2011, it had grown to 2 billion; in June 2014, 3 billion. By 2024, the total stood at 5.5 billion.

So why are we looking at a cat right now? Because, in a cruel twist of fate, these brilliant innovators unwittingly created the medium that the furry monsters would eventually conquer. To be fair, Thomas Edison did get the ball rolling in 1894 with the first known cat video. 

First domesticated in the Middle East’s Fertile Crescent 12,000 years ago, cats have been waiting to pounce on humanity ever since. With the rise of agrarian societies, cats became indispensable for keeping grain stores rodent-free.  Today, cats are found in 34% of American households, making them the most popular household pet in the United States.

And so they bide their time, transmitting coded missives uploaded by their hapless documentarians.  It’s been estimated that over 18 million cat videos have been uploaded to YouTube. (Those statistics are from 2022, the most recent we could find. Who knows how many there are now?) The Internet Cat Video Festival toured the world from 2013 through 2016, but its creator, the Walker Art Center of Minneapolis, MN, has discontinued it to focus its funding efforts elsewhere.

Perhaps that’s because there’s no need to leave home to experience the stupefying, hypnotic power of our cuddly overlords. Need proof? Just watch the following video.

If we’ve whetted your appetite, here is another one. And another. Okay, one more and that’s all, we promise.

Just be sure to close your windows and doors so these adorable demons cannot get in and gnaw on your soft parts as you doze contentedly, lulled into a helpless state by a seemingly meaningless parade of cat hijinks.

If they learn how to open a can, none of us stand a chance.

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Stuck in Line with a Conspiracy Theorist Day

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Today’s holiday, Stuck in Line with a Conspiracy Theorist Day, commemorates an event taking place this morning in local post offices across the United States. (The post office seems to be the locus of many of these incidents. Coincidence? You decide.)stuck in line with conspiracy theorist day post office line

An old man who speaks little English is trying to send a registered letter to Albania. This incenses today’s conspiracy theorist who helpfully informs everyone else within earshot, “That’s the oldest scam ever. They get you to fill it out for them and then later, they go, ‘Oh, I don’t know!'” It’s unclear what this scam could accomplish but the old man leaves to fill out his envelope, and it appears that the time for our theorist to elaborate has passed.

But that doesn’t stop him. “That’s like the Federal Building in Chicago.” (“That’s like” is a segue favored by the conspiracy theorist, obviating the need for any real connection between subjects.) No one looks at him. He takes this as a signal to proceed. “You know, the government, nobody lives in DC. There’s nobody there, they all live in the federal buildings. You can tell from their license plates.”stuck in line with a conspiracy theorist day

The utter lack of any reaction—in fact, everyone has stopped moving to avoid attracting his attention—urges him onward.”The diplomat plates have two lines and three stars. Get it? It’s like the donkey. That’s why they do that.” And here is where our man derails, goes off a cliff, where his sense factory explodes.

“It’s like tungsten. Tungsten.” He says it a third time. He must like the feel of the word on his tongue. “You know what tungsten is, like spark plugs, they put it in the spark plugs.”

His declarations devolve into conspiracy salad. They always do. The ultimate disappointment that follows being stuck in line with a conspiracy theorist is that we’ll never know what scam the Albanian was planning or the hidden meaning embedded in diplomatic license plates.

In 2015, Worldwide Weird Holidays created this unofficial holiday to celebrate the quest for truth and the desire not to have to hear about it while in line. Have a happy Stuck in Line with a Conspiracy Theorist Day, if you can. If you know the secret significance of tungsten, please let us know. But first, seek help, because that means you’re the conspiracy theorist. We just blew your mind!

Learn a little here:
Moon Landing Faked!!!-Why People Believe in Conspiracy Theories – Scientific American

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