National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day

Today is National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day, celebrated on the third Friday in December. Today we pay tribute to all the sweater-blind relatives who ever wielded knitting needles or visited a store, picked something up and said, “Oh my goodness, this is so cute! [Insert name here] will love this [flammable fabric] sweater with the [most hideous feature] on it!”

national ugly christmas sweater dayThe odds are good–especially if you’re a child of the 70s and 80s–that you’ve  warehoused those ugly sweaters in the back of your closet for years out of misguided family loyalty and, of course, guilt. Now you could dig out those atrocities and donate them, knowing they would find a home, most likely on the back of a hipster whose facial hair is the subject of national discussion about its “relevance.” (Google the words hipster beard finished if you don’t believe us.)

If the idea of bearded men in skinny jeans doesn’t inspire you to part with your disasters of Christmas past, what we’re about to tell you may or may not help. Those sweaters that look like a wearable form of schizophrenia could end up being worn by teenage girls. The most irritating thing about this, if you’ve ever seen it, is that they look so good in them.

national ugly christmas sweater dayWhen we were forced to wear them, the razzing we endured guaranteed at least one trip to cry hot, quiet tears in the girl’s bathroom. It was there that we hatched a plan to smuggle a second top in our backpacks and change before homeroom. We felt like criminal masterminds, right?

Now those knitted prisons of cheer are in demand. “Tacky holiday sweaters have been a staple of our holiday selection at Savers for as long as grandmothers have knit them,” says Sara Gaugl, director of communications for Savers, a nationwide secondhand store chain, “but they shifted from being tacky to trendy in the last decade.”

We have it on good authority—our own—that the way to heal the emotional scarring caused by these experiences is deceptively simple: embrace the ugliness. You will be able to wear the tackiest sweater in the history of history if you follow these simple steps:

  • If you have an ugly Christmas sweater in your closet, something even the moths won’t touch, drag it out of there and put it on. Let the shudder pass through you and take a deep cleansing breath. Now, look in the mirror for a few seconds. Work up to one minute. Breathe into a paper bag if needed. Observe the panic. Make it your friend.
  • If you’ve already jettisoned your ugly sweaters, we applaud your triumph. But now, you must buy a new one, preferably at a thrift store. Be sure to bring a hankie to cover your nose if the smell of decades-old, infrequently washed acrylic, polyester and wool becomes overwhelming. You can do this.
  • If you need to put an own artisanal spin on it to make it your own, have become intoxicated with the heady wafts of camphor floating up from your purchase,  or are simply seized by the holiday spirit, check out this video on the Savers website with instructions for a DIY ugly Christmas sweater. Remember, do not make it look good or you will be branded both lame and vain.

If you still need a little more exposure therapy to quell your anxiety, watch one or all of the following movies: Step Brothers, The Santa Clause (all 3), Deck the Halls, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, or Dumb and Dumber, in which Lloyd Christmas (Jim Carrey) has an entire ugly Christmas sweater-filled dream sequence.

You’re ready. Here’s the acid test. Leave your house wearing the sweater. Go for a walk in a populated area. (Thought you could sneak that by us, eh?) Go to the grocery store. Wear it to your office Christmas party.  Go all out and host an ugly Christmas sweater party.

If you’re out and about and the realization that you’re too old/smart/unironic to be wearing deliberately ugly clothing, fear not. You know that rictus grin you made when you opened a gift and a crime against humanity with two sleeves and a neck hole looked back? Slap that on your face and no one will be the wiser.

Happy National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day!

Copyright 2016 Worldwide Weird Holidays

December 15 is Cat Herders’ Day

Today is Cat Herders’ Day. Solving problems at work or home can feel as impossible as herding cats. (Anyone foolish enough to do that for a living has our permission to hide under the covers. The rest of us must soldier on.)

Let’s step back for a moment and find the humor in the challenges we face. They may not seem as hilarious as watching cowboys try to herd cats, but every place on earth has a secret vein of absurdity, just waiting to be mined.

Now, we’d better get back to work before the boss catches us watching cat videos.

Copyright 2016 Worldwide Weird Holidays

National Regifting Day

Today is National Regifting Day, a holiday invented in 2006 by a credit counseling service and made official in 2008 with a proclamation by Colorado governor Bill Ritter, Jr. It’s always celebrated on the third Thursday of December, which just happens to be the most popular day for company Christmas parties and their Secret Santa gift exchanges. Coincidence? You decide.

national regifting day

Before you attempt to regift unwanted presents, there are some things you need to know.

  1. You should be reasonably certain the recipient will enjoy your (unwanted) gift. Be honest–with yourself, of course. When it comes to your “regiftee,” you’re going to lie like a rug.
  2. The gift must be brand new and in its original packaging.
  3. Don’t regift a personalized item!
  4. Examine it closely—very closely–to ensure you’ve removed any tags before you wrap it in new paper.
  5. Be careful not to regift something to the original giver. (Rookie mistake!) If you can’t remember who gave it to you, don’t give it to anyone else.
  6. Regift only when you are sure the new recipient won’t tell the original giver about what they received from you. Try to regift in different social circles.
  7. Be prepared to fully commit to the lie. If you don’t have a ready response to a question like, “Where did you find this? I’ve been looking everywhere for one!” your ruse will be exposed.

If anything goes wrong, know that the resulting moment of embarrassment will feel like it stretches to infinity. On second thought, why not donate it to charity and give something new? You may get it back next year. Act surprised.

See also:
The Label Maker – Seinfeld’s origins of regifting

Copyright 2016 Worldwide Weird Holidays

National Day of the Horse

National Day of the HorseToday is the National Day of the Horse. On November 18, 2004, the U.S. Senate unanimously passed S.R. 452, described as:

A resolution designating December 13, 2004, as “National Day of the Horse” and encouraging the people of the United States to be mindful of the contribution of horses to the economy, history, and character of the United States.

The resolution goes on to state that “the horse is a living link to the history of the United States;” “without horses, the economy, history, and character of the United States would be profoundly different;” and “horses are a vital part of the collective experience of the United States and deserve protection and compassion.”

What the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives have failed to do is pass a permanent federal ban on the slaughter of horses for human consumption. The American Horse Slaughter Prevention Act (AHSPA) was passed by the House on September 7, 2006. It had to be approved by the Senate as well in order to become law. But the bill was sent to a Senate committee, where it languished and eventually died because it was never approved for a full vote.

It was reintroduced on January 7, 2007, and sent to the House Agriculture Committee, which failed to approve it for a vote, thus killing the same bill it had passed four months before. On Jan 17, 2007, the Senate put forth its own version; it, too, failed to reach a vote, officially dying on January 3, 2009, when the 110th Congressional session ended. A bipartisan effort to revive the AHSPA in 2011 went nowhere.

While numerous state legislatures have enacted laws outlawing the practice, the federal government has sidestepped the issue, choosing instead to add language to its budget proposals that will indirectly impact businesses that slaughter horses.

A line item that denies payment of federal inspectors for time spent evaluating horses deprives an operation the opportunity to receive a USDA seal of approval. Without it, the meat can’t be sold for human consumption. (In 2006, the USDA countered by issuing CFR 352.19, a regulation that would allow companies to circumvent the funding ban by paying for their own inspections.)

In 2014, President Obama signed a budget that included the prohibition against funding for horse inspections. Although many hailed it as a momentous step, others saw it as just one more in a series of temporary fixes that must be requested and granted anew with each successive budget proposal. It did (and does) nothing to prevent U.S. horses from being shipped to Mexico or Canada for slaughter, their meat then exported worldwide.

The protection of this majestic animal isn’t all that’s at stake. Horses are dosed with compounds that accumulate in their tissues and can be toxic to humans. Phenylbutazone, a pain medication routinely given to horses, is known to be carcinogenic to people, especially children; trace amounts can cause potentially lethal aplastic anemia.

Since horses aren’t raised for human consumption, there are no regulations in place to protect anyone who might one day consume their meat. That is more of a risk than most of us think. Horse meat has been discovered in, among other things, school lunches and hospital meals. It’s possible that we’ve unwittingly eaten some already.

There is a permanent solution called the Safeguard American Food Exports Act (SAFE), its stated goal:

Amends the Federal Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act to deem equine (horses and other members of the equidae family) parts to be an unsafe food additive or animal drug.

Prohibits the knowing sale or transport of equines or equine parts in interstate or foreign commerce for purposes of human consumption.

It was introduced in the Senate on March 12, 2013. What happened?

Read twice and referred to the Committee on Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions.

Clearly, there is more work to be done. Each year, approximately 150,000 horses—including pregnant mares and foals—are packed into trucks and taken to Mexico and Canada. Conditions are deplorable as the only goal is to keep the horses barely alive until they are slaughtered and their meat packaged for sale to humans.

It’s not too late to help. The SAFE Act (S. 1214/H.R. 1942) was revived in 2015 and is still knocking around in committee. Find your Congresspeople on govtrack.us and tell them to keep it alive. Someone should take a stand against this big, cruel business. It might as well be us.

Happy National Day of the Horse!

Copyright 2016 Worldwide Weird Holidays

 

 

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