Have you ever let slip a silent-but-deadly gas bomb and blamed it on the dog just as your guests see him through the window, playing in the yard? Worse yet, have you ever done it only to have your friends remind you that you don’t own a dog?
Hey, we’ve all been there. It’s safe to say that anyone who’s experienced the noxious fumes a dog emits is aware of their existence. We can only assume that the creator of Dog Farting Awareness Day wanted to harness the power of canine flatus for the good of mankind.
With that in mind, we want to lay some truth on you. No one is going to believe the dog did it, even when the dog did it. Friends will ask the usual questions: Did a squirrel get trapped and die in your crawlspace? Are you on a cabbage diet? Do you have some saline so I can flush my burning eyes? If I cook you dinner, how many food groups will I have to omit so you won’t fumigate my apartment? And hey, I can’t afford an exterminator—could you come over and fumigate my apartment?
Your pooch only needs to scarf one box of cereal and release a fog that gags the cable guy for you to figure out he has a wheat allergy. Should you buy it again and keep it on a shelf out of his reach? Maybe he’s trying to tell you something. Could gluten be responsible for your last three failed relationships?
We’re going to take a stand here. Farts are funny. Shocking, we know, but please don’t write us to complain. We donate all our hate mail to charity. Excessive farting—only you can say how much is too much—could be a sign of malabsorption syndrome in animals and humans. So stay vigilant. And never fart in an elevator; only sociopaths do that.
Have a happy Dog Farting Awareness Day!